Upcoming Blues

My brother is home from China. I haven't seen him in almost a year. It'll be interesting to drive down to Tampa to see him because our relationship has always been up and down. We for the most part are similar but not. It's hard to find balance with him but I can't help not feel family connection. No matter what I don't think I could completely cut him away from my life, there may be moments when I don't speak to him but I can't completely kick him out of my life. Funny enough, I could get rid of anybody in heartbeat. It's just in my nature I suppose. But talking to him a little bit online I see a slightly humble side of him based on some events and it's interesting because I feel kinda bad for him. Even though there have been plenty of times where I felt down and told him he seemed like he could care less on what's going on and goes back to telling me what an incomplete person I am. The relationship is not very sturdy but it works because we don't see each other often but maybe we'll come to a place when we can be like kids and not worry about adult things.

Another thing that kills me to go home this weekend is visiting my cousin. She's sick and I've never had to confront hardships like this in my family. For the most part my family are sturdy and live t'il at least late 70s and the ones that go were never prominent in my life or happened before I was born. But I'm not good at this death stuff, it's not like anybody is but I hate going to see her and have this urgency of this will probably be the last time I'll see you. I'm completely heartbroken.

My saving grace for now is just living my last months in Tallahassee and enjoying the small things. One other thing I'm doing for myself is writing a mini story. I began it when I was listening to a lovely jazz song and somehow it brought me back to my deceased grandpas and how I'll just never have those relationships and will never know the men they were. So I began to write a story and what I portrayed in my head seemed so much cooler than what's on paper. It's hard to completely pour emotions onto words. I can see these images of what I want but when it's on paper it seems just cheesy. But I'm determined to finish it and check it off from my resolutions. It seems like its been years since I wrote my resolutions in January...funny how things can change so fast.