Plan to not plan but really plan

So I finished with school on last Thursday. But officially I will be done Saturday once my lovely class of communication science and disorders walk down that stage to receive that blank paper. I will be in Tampa. My parents have decided to watch their restaurant and not come and that is why I am back in town. In reality, I came back to see two very awesome concerts Interpol and Sleigh Bells. Afterwards I will take myself to N'awlins and continue the party there. I see this as 10x's better than graduation because I'll be celebrating what I love most in life music and drinking. But on Saturday I plan to go to the beach and enjoy the waves, read, write and most importantly reflect on the upcoming imprints of life.

Jaja, over the course of the past months I've made millions of small plans but none seemed to entice me enough to stick. I'm done with school. It's terrifying and what is next? I don't honestly know. I truly thought by now I would have at least a blueprint of what my next move will be but it's still fresh and unplanned. I had a dream a couple of nights ago about my deceased neighbor coming to me and telling me that it'll be okay. If this was me four months ago I would take it as a sign from the man above letting me know that I'll be fine. But fast forward to me now I don't know what to believe or trust anymore. I relied on my intuition and gut for so long but I feel that it has led me in circles and to say that this was divine intervention comforting me. I'm not sure. In addition, it's bewildering that it was my neighbor that died a year ago with a dog. What I'm trying to say, from my ramblings is that I'm slowly eroding from that wide eyed doe girl persona and that I feel a little bit more caustic about things. Despite this, what I felt from the dream was pure comfort and peace and though I don't know if that meant anything I'm going to hold onto that feeling and hope that somehow those good vibes will just produce good things for me. I hope this works.

Upcoming Blues

My brother is home from China. I haven't seen him in almost a year. It'll be interesting to drive down to Tampa to see him because our relationship has always been up and down. We for the most part are similar but not. It's hard to find balance with him but I can't help not feel family connection. No matter what I don't think I could completely cut him away from my life, there may be moments when I don't speak to him but I can't completely kick him out of my life. Funny enough, I could get rid of anybody in heartbeat. It's just in my nature I suppose. But talking to him a little bit online I see a slightly humble side of him based on some events and it's interesting because I feel kinda bad for him. Even though there have been plenty of times where I felt down and told him he seemed like he could care less on what's going on and goes back to telling me what an incomplete person I am. The relationship is not very sturdy but it works because we don't see each other often but maybe we'll come to a place when we can be like kids and not worry about adult things.

Another thing that kills me to go home this weekend is visiting my cousin. She's sick and I've never had to confront hardships like this in my family. For the most part my family are sturdy and live t'il at least late 70s and the ones that go were never prominent in my life or happened before I was born. But I'm not good at this death stuff, it's not like anybody is but I hate going to see her and have this urgency of this will probably be the last time I'll see you. I'm completely heartbroken.

My saving grace for now is just living my last months in Tallahassee and enjoying the small things. One other thing I'm doing for myself is writing a mini story. I began it when I was listening to a lovely jazz song and somehow it brought me back to my deceased grandpas and how I'll just never have those relationships and will never know the men they were. So I began to write a story and what I portrayed in my head seemed so much cooler than what's on paper. It's hard to completely pour emotions onto words. I can see these images of what I want but when it's on paper it seems just cheesy. But I'm determined to finish it and check it off from my resolutions. It seems like its been years since I wrote my resolutions in January...funny how things can change so fast.

Coolness Pending

There are some days where you feel great and you're trapped in the moment and it's so good. Then there are days when you feel like everything is suspended in air and one exhalation from you will make everything fall and shatter. That's what I feel like I'm doing now, just holding my breath into I'm forced to let go. Somehow I've convinced myself that the acclimation of my college life holds no regrets and that everything happens for a reason. But nowadays, I feel like I've lost potentially the greatest moments of my life because I didn't want to jump. I fear all of this will lead to a lifelong of regret and dissatisfaction. I want to go into everything with no regrets no matter what but these days it feels that I'm not completely happy about my past 4 years of life. I'm 22 years old instead of feeling the youthfulness and excitement of the adventures that lay ahead of me I feel that all of it is just sailing past me and before I know it I'm older and left with responsibilities. What it comes down to it is I feel like a loser. I can try to rationalize all of my mishaps by saying it's not my fault and it all comes down to another power controlling it but it doesn't appease me. I feel that it's just me and myself to blame, I take full responsibility for it. So I'll deal with it the best I can.

I'm Your (wo)Man

 

I just saw an awesome documentary about the legendary Mr. Leonard Cohen. I thought he was really cool before but now he's infinitely cooler than ever before. I didn't know much about him except what wiki fed me and that he is a poet. In contrast to Bob Dylan he seems to be the structured, unassuming, brilliant poet that blows people's mind away once he shares his truth. I've always cherished his songs not because it was a catchy tune that was fun to hum along on a Sunday afternoon but I loved how he made me pay attention to his lyrics. I could be a pretty cheap listener and start singing songs without internalizing what the singer was saying but for Leonard I admired how he coyly commands me to listen and pay attention to his words.

Throughout, the movie he is of old age and reflects back on his life and career. There's these quotes that he says that I found so simple and brilliant. Here are some quotes stolen from IMDB

-Sometimes, when you no longer see yourself as the hero of your own drama, expecting victory after victory, and you understand deeply that this is not paradise... somehow we're, especially the privileged ones that we are, we somehow embrace the notion that this veil of tears, that it's perfectable, that you're going to get it all straight. I've found that things became a lot easier when I no longer expected to win.


-It was about the feeling that we have of betraying some mission that we were mandated to fulfill, and being unable to fulfill it. And then coming to understand that the real mandate was not to fulfill it, and that the deeper courage, was to stand guiltless in the predicament in which you found yourself.

Notlanta

Sunny Day

Laundry Mat Thinking