Mountains Beyond Mountains

A new terror begins as one ends. The whole Australia thing is all up in the air now. It's willy nilly now. It turns out if I did want to do that film program it would have to be next year that I start because the calendar differs from the US. I found out yesterday and since then it feels unreal. I try to push it back in my head and enjoy the present but naturally it comes back. I know something is always up when I wake up really early to think about things. I did have a nice time sitting outside on the green because the weather was really great and everybody was out being hippies, playing ultimate frisbee or reading a book. It was perfect. Right out of a cliche college scene. I felt the youthful energy all around me and felt nice being a part of it yet sad because I feel that it's fleeing and soon I won't be as carefree as I can be. Four years is definitely enough being a college student but it's sad because I felt like I passed on the milestones that I was suppose to experience, I feel that I'm stunted and I have to be thrusted into a different world, when I don't know if I'm ready. I'm petrified. I always have an idea that I can do it and I'll be fine but now I just really want to melt. Oddly, my small comforts lie within mundane activities such as washing dishes, making food, taking showers, painting my nails. It's as if I do these small tasks that time is at a stand still and I'm getting something done as small as cleaning my utensils but as long as I'm somewhat propelling forward it'll be okay for that moment. Fuck, retirement is going to a great time for me.

I talked to my best friend vaguely about what lied ahead of us and she gave me lovely advice to not worry and that things will fall to place and that I have time to figure stuff out. I know that is probably, most likely going to happen but I can't help not feel content about that. All my life I try not to admit that I'm vulnerable and pushed on and do the best but sometimes that doesn't always work. I'm swallowing all that I know and I'm going to just say I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid. What now? 

Oh Balls!

So, I wished I've kept the confidence I had in December throughout the new year. Now that spring break is almost near, which is awesome because I'm going to New York! But it also means that graduation is creeping up. This scares the shit out of me because I'm bring a pussy. What I want to do is go to Australia and figure this film stuff out. I'm scared because I doubt my talent and whether I have the balls to make it out into the world. It scares me because I've never revealed to any of my closest friend that I want to go back to it. I don't know if it's my early quarter life crisis that is making me feel this way. I have anxiety that I'm wasting my time and money chasing a child dream. That I've never known what is hard work and have had everything handed to me. All these thoughts and anxieties are killing me and I could put it off for so long but there's a point where I'm running out of time. I hate that I'm immobilized by my fears and that my plan B is nonexistent. Lately, time is rushing so fast that I have nowhere else to run and hide. That I have to face the choices I have to make and realize that if I make a mistake that I can come back from it but it may or may not be easy. I just need to take a plunge.

Photo Funsies!

Yea, today was the day when I felt like all this film photo stuff finally came together. Besides, trying to figure out how not to make my pics pitch black I feel I'm getting a hang of this. Too bad, it's a dying art. But yea, seeing all my photos on the contact sheet was exciting because to my amateur eye I was just thinking not too shabby? In honesty, it's pictures of cliche things like trees, my feet, ducks and a smidgen of people I saw that day. It's weird but it felt so personal to me to see those pictures even though they're not voyeuristic in any way. Like when my photo instructor was looking at it I felt slightly embarrassed because it felt like I was revealing a part of me that I wouldn't naturally want out. It's scary but it's part of letting go and being more open. Even though, there seem to never be enough hours in a day I feel optimistic about being creative and getting school work done. Lately, has been really shitty, but I think and feel that things are looking up. It's a slow pace I'm going and makes me feel antsy but it's what I need, to step back and reflect and move on. It's what's good for now.

Weird JuJu feelings

This weekend has been uneventful but interesting. I didn't do anything in particular worth capturing on film or even a diary but it did bring vibes that I don't know if it's good or bad. I know I sound probably sound like the crazy aunt that comes for Thanksgiving that spouts off really incoherent advice but ends up being right. Maybe it's my expectations versus reality. What I want versus what is now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've had feelings that something eventful is going to happen and that is going to have an effect on me but I don't know if what I'm hoping to search for is the thing that is suppose to happen. If that makes sense? I feel that I'm constantly searching for what I think is going to happen but when it doesn't happen there's discontent on whether I should trust my instincts or should I say fuck all to it. I'm not sure if I'm explaining my feelings right it's just a feeling that cannot be properly explained in words or at least I'm not talented enough to convey what I want. This would be a perfect time to say that it would be easier to just be a sound and float around. Or disguise myself in works of art and discover me little by little.

Oh Lawds New Month!

Yes! Finally, a new month because truth be told January was so miserable...please don't bleed into February. I'm feeling good though because I just finished classes and I have my window up and listening to atmospheric music. It's perfect right now. My predictions for myself this month is to get my stuff together. Or simply to be more creative, I feel it in my bones to do that this month and I'm excited to see what I produce. Time is probably not my best friend but I'll probably struggling with that all my life. What I want is not to think about the future even though it's in the midst of the upcoming months but I have to confront it soon enough. I need to work on my Australia visa, there's trepidation of finishing it and doing it because there's low expectations from my family about it, which I totally understand but also a lot of money risks for my part. I hate being defined by money, the idea of being stuck and not moving forward because of money. It is the worst obstacle a person can face because everything is set in motion except you have no funds to proceed. I should just sit, do it, send it and don't turn back.

I read my horoscope for the month of February. So far, it seems pretty low key but I'll be socializing a lot. Valentine's Day seems pretty sucky for me because it told me to do some sort of house improvement project. It's okay I've never had a Valentine before so I'm sure I won't be missing anything. Yea, I don't know if I should believe in my horoscope because they said January would be a great month for me and haha it sucked. Anyhoo, I have high expectations to have a way better month by tapping into another side of creativity and spirituality. I don't know what the future holds but I have a good feeling for the next few weeks and that's what counts.