Mountains Beyond Mountains

A new terror begins as one ends. The whole Australia thing is all up in the air now. It's willy nilly now. It turns out if I did want to do that film program it would have to be next year that I start because the calendar differs from the US. I found out yesterday and since then it feels unreal. I try to push it back in my head and enjoy the present but naturally it comes back. I know something is always up when I wake up really early to think about things. I did have a nice time sitting outside on the green because the weather was really great and everybody was out being hippies, playing ultimate frisbee or reading a book. It was perfect. Right out of a cliche college scene. I felt the youthful energy all around me and felt nice being a part of it yet sad because I feel that it's fleeing and soon I won't be as carefree as I can be. Four years is definitely enough being a college student but it's sad because I felt like I passed on the milestones that I was suppose to experience, I feel that I'm stunted and I have to be thrusted into a different world, when I don't know if I'm ready. I'm petrified. I always have an idea that I can do it and I'll be fine but now I just really want to melt. Oddly, my small comforts lie within mundane activities such as washing dishes, making food, taking showers, painting my nails. It's as if I do these small tasks that time is at a stand still and I'm getting something done as small as cleaning my utensils but as long as I'm somewhat propelling forward it'll be okay for that moment. Fuck, retirement is going to a great time for me.

I talked to my best friend vaguely about what lied ahead of us and she gave me lovely advice to not worry and that things will fall to place and that I have time to figure stuff out. I know that is probably, most likely going to happen but I can't help not feel content about that. All my life I try not to admit that I'm vulnerable and pushed on and do the best but sometimes that doesn't always work. I'm swallowing all that I know and I'm going to just say I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid. What now?