Chinese, you fry my brain

It's my fourth Chinese class and I feel that I am not where I need to be. The shame, shame I feel with this language. Mainly because when I try to find the words I think of French instead of Chinese. What is that all about? Cause I haven't taken French in 4 years. Anyhoo, I will try my best to learn Chinese because one day I will have to speak to my debt collectors (joke!) In addition, I would love to live in China for a period of my time and since my bro lives there it wouldn't be bad to y'know learn that language. But seriously rereading Chinese characters are straining my eyes...once I dream in Chinese than I know I have a solid grasp on the langue.

Nothing and Nowhere

It's a Tuesday night and I just finished my first day of classes for my last undergraduate year. The feeling is major senioritus and uninspiring. The classes I am taking are so far drab and methodical basically how I feel about my major sometimes. I blame it on the dive my mood has taken these past days. It seemed that the things that I thought could handle are coming to fruition and it looks like I'll have to take an alternative route than I imagined. The decisions that appear before me make me question the role of humanity and behaviors. I feel that sometimes we live in a French movie with twists and turns that seemingly great on a superficial level but beneath all of it there is hell because of desire, jealousy, or sometimes bad luck. I watched a French movie and a reporter asked the actor about the movie being a tragedy and he said yes the characters must have tragedy to become the person they were meant to be. I sometimes wonder if that is true for everybody.

Lately, there has a been a lot of negative energy that I cannot seem to shut off. I feel that it has taken an effect on me because I seem more caustic and inpatient about the traffic of regular life. Yes, things are not panning the way I wanted yet I know my attitude is unacceptable. All I can ask for this to pass is to work on something creative and then close it off. I want to pour everything into art and then leave it. Is it easier said than done...I don't know I'll have to find out.

Ch-ch-changes

Yesterday's post was a bit...much but it made me feel sooo much better. Last night I had a great time with a friend and maybe that was what I needed to kick my butt out of mopey land. I've come to a realization that this being my last semester as an undergraduate that the things I do from this forward onward are numbered. There is no time to get mad over dumb things that won't matter in 4 months. Plus it's a new year and it's never too late to start a new. That being said this is what I want to accomplish in the year 2011.

Write a song
Take more photos
Play more piano
Paint more
Write stories again
Stop being so damn mysterious
Wake up early
Eat breakfast
Master an impossibly hard yoga pose
TRAVEL, TRAVEL
Improve my Chinese
Improve my French
Improve my Vietnamese to talk to grandma more
Stop spending money (shiiiiit that's going to be a toughy)
Be more spiritual
Be free

Don't you want to be free?

It's 2011 the start of a new decade and ending of another. The days beginning the new year has been rather rough and frustrating. I feel that I had opposite emotions of what I should have for the holidays. The end of the year I felt so open and optimistic about the upcoming stages and ready to challenge myself. And now at the start of the year I feel despondent, untrustworthy, and ready to run and hide until spring hits.

What brought this on is what I can sum up as "fucking college douche bag night life." I've always been a huge observant of human behavior because it fascinates me so much but I observe too much rather than experience. I know what goes on a typical college night. The night begins with some drinks you get warm and happy then you meet a person that's cute and the whole night they try to impress you 'til time turns into 2 AM and then...the ultimate build up is wanna come over or can I have your number? Typically, this bullshit happens in the shit hole "Bullwinkles" or as the college/locals "Bulls." Even though I knew what was coming with a night at that place, and I don't expect to do anything with a guy but to just have superficial conversation and call it a night. But New Years it didn't go the way I wanted it to be because my lame friend kept sharking for him behind at times in front of me and the guy would pretend everything is all good and alright. Anyhoo, he has both of our numbers and...I never give my number out! (Lame rant, I know).

The frustration I have is that this is so typical and I thought I could just shrug it off and call the guy an a-hole and tell my friend to eat shit and die. But I have no satisfaction in that I have to internalize it until I become this black entity of negative energy that suddenly turns off when a day pass or I find a good song. I hate that I want to be free and take things as it is and not have any emotional feeling but this happened and I'm mad that I had to feel intense frustration over something that is cliche and pointless. I truly want to be free but now I don't know if you can ever be really free unless I don't know you have a lobotomy other than that emotions will always be there and you can tell your brain to turn off only so much off. I don't know is it just me being uptight and "emotional" or is this what people grapple with a lot?

Honestly, Lisa

So, I'm pretty sure nobody is going to read this post because I don't have any followers. I will consider this a small risk to expose myself potentially to many people or strangers. College life is slowly coming to a close and I am ecstatic, yet very, very, very scared.

I would hate to think that college was the very best 4 years of my life because...truthfully I would hate to know what life ahead would be like if this was the best to be offered. I think I would rather jump off a cliff if life just plateaued after college. I feel that I have so much left to do and to offer but the problem is, that I'm so petrified of the unknown. Yet, I would rather stay with the unknown. It's a duality within myself that I have to fight off. The urge to want to know the future and everything but to also learn to let go of control and just be.

What I want to do is to leave my comfort zone and to take more risks. I feel the small life regrets I have are due to my cautiousness and being afraid of the outcome. I don't want to be like that now, I'd like to cry over something that was worth it and not over something that never happened. I would rather fail than do nothing.

To try to be a little bit more braver in life, I think I will keep this blog to write off my thoughts in my head. It will be nostalgic for me as I use to keep a diary as a young girl, but I stopped because my tween insecurities got the best of me that somebody may read my diary of my rambling, personal thoughts. So, I stopped. I regret that because I reread some of my diaries and it was quite beautiful to remember that I used to be so innocent and sweet and not maimed by what haunts me today. It just made me remember that I was born one way and molded into another. Bittersweet, is what I can describe it. But, I'm not over  and I'm filled with hope that someday I can be truly satisfied.

Directive Frustration

"Yellow" 12"x 9" Pencil and Paper 2010

If I had a client that thought the directive was frustrating than I would tell them to stop and ask them what kind of artwork would they like to do. Or maybe I would ask them why they find this directive frustrating. I know that I didn't think this directive with the word "yellow" was particularly fun or insightful. It felt more like work that I didn't know if I were doing right or wrong and I felt that directive would not provide the most honest results because it is easy to change your mind for the word yellow and not draw or write the first thing that came to mind. I feel that if I made a new directive I would test it out on a group and gauge their reactions and ask them how they feel about it than to use it for the first time on a client.

Ethical Issue in Art Therapy

"Ethical Picture" 5.5"x 8.5" Pen and Paper 2010

I think there is an ethical issue involved in pictures that reveal blatant messages. Whether the child is drawing the image for attention or is it a real cry for help? If so, then the authorities need to be  called and the child needs to be taken into child services. Then there is the privacy issue whether the client would want their secret to be revealed and if you betray their trust then it will be very hard to help them as a person. Again, above all else the child needs to be out of danger first and then all the other things can follow. But I can see how a therapist can find situations like these very challenging and not knowing what is the best way to help the client and save them.