It's 2011 the start of a new decade and ending of another. The days beginning the new year has been rather rough and frustrating. I feel that I had opposite emotions of what I should have for the holidays. The end of the year I felt so open and optimistic about the upcoming stages and ready to challenge myself. And now at the start of the year I feel despondent, untrustworthy, and ready to run and hide until spring hits.
What brought this on is what I can sum up as "fucking college douche bag night life." I've always been a huge observant of human behavior because it fascinates me so much but I observe too much rather than experience. I know what goes on a typical college night. The night begins with some drinks you get warm and happy then you meet a person that's cute and the whole night they try to impress you 'til time turns into 2 AM and then...the ultimate build up is wanna come over or can I have your number? Typically, this bullshit happens in the shit hole "Bullwinkles" or as the college/locals "Bulls." Even though I knew what was coming with a night at that place, and I don't expect to do anything with a guy but to just have superficial conversation and call it a night. But New Years it didn't go the way I wanted it to be because my lame friend kept sharking for him behind at times in front of me and the guy would pretend everything is all good and alright. Anyhoo, he has both of our numbers and...I never give my number out! (Lame rant, I know).
The frustration I have is that this is so typical and I thought I could just shrug it off and call the guy an a-hole and tell my friend to eat shit and die. But I have no satisfaction in that I have to internalize it until I become this black entity of negative energy that suddenly turns off when a day pass or I find a good song. I hate that I want to be free and take things as it is and not have any emotional feeling but this happened and I'm mad that I had to feel intense frustration over something that is cliche and pointless. I truly want to be free but now I don't know if you can ever be really free unless I don't know you have a lobotomy other than that emotions will always be there and you can tell your brain to turn off only so much off. I don't know is it just me being uptight and "emotional" or is this what people grapple with a lot?
No comments:
Post a Comment