Mental Break Day

Today I skipped all my classes because lately my mind has been racing with a lot of thoughts and I had some meds so that didn't help either. But to the core of it I needed a mental break day because so many things are frustrating me and it's typical of me to run away for awhile. My frustrations are pinpointed to a series of being down on my luck. I feel that nothing is working out for me. I'm in a photo class and I'm super excited about it except my camera does not work and I don't have an option B with that. I don't get Chinese as well I would like to my pet peeve is white people getting better grades than me and guys suck lately...It's funny, cause In time I know it will be all frivolous but as of present it's the most important life and death thing for me.
I don't know why the month of January is bugging the shit out of me. Is it the weather? The countdown of my college days? The pace of my life? I don't know...It's a challenge for me right now but I know it'll pass just so impatient for it. I want a certain way and I know it's part of that control to let go but it's so damn hard.

I, luff, luff, luffed U (Not really)

So, I've totally had a crush on this boy fooooor a long time. It finally ended, it's weird how something so intense can just dissipate. It just got me thinking how the mind can manipulate your feelings into believing anything. But sadly, I see it more romantic than that. I see it as something that was suppose to happen because it will teach you something about life. What I take from this is still hidden and yet to be revealed. I guess if I thought about it that nothing lasts forever, there were weird times when I felt that if I didn't get with the person than I would just be settling for secondary guys but obviously that's not the truth. The truth is I've learned that although the feelings are so great and unbearable at times that there will be a day that it will become a passing memory that you can smile or look back nostalgically. I love the part from the movie, Adaptation, when Donald Kauffman is talking to his twin brother and they recounted a story about Donald talking to the girl and how she was sweet and nice to him and Donald was so happy despite hearing her make fun of him afterwards. He said, "I loved Sarah, Charles, it was mine, that love, I owned it. Even Sarah couldn't take it away. It was mine." Later he said, "you are what you love, not what loves you." I took it as no matter what you think and as silly and nonsensical your thoughts are that they are yours and nobody can take that away from you and I find that quite beautiful and precious.

Environment, environment, and environment

I sit here waiting for my Chinese class to start while listening to NPR. I can't help but think that it's just so effing cold. The type that just gets stuck in your pores and chills you t'il you wish the greenhouse effect take place to warm you up. I can't help think that this winter is the type people talk about that puts you in a funk. I don't know why in particular this winter because I usually really enjoy the winter because people dress better (sans the UGG boot wearers...unacceptable) and I think it's festive. Then there is the theory that you're not work productive when it's cold. I believe that because all you want to do is curl in a ball and wear your snuggie but not at like your kid's soccer game because that's just cult like and weird. But yea, I guess the winter is getting the best of me but I shouldn't fret too much because I think I'll eventually get over it I just need some beers or something to warm up.

Chinese, you fry my brain

It's my fourth Chinese class and I feel that I am not where I need to be. The shame, shame I feel with this language. Mainly because when I try to find the words I think of French instead of Chinese. What is that all about? Cause I haven't taken French in 4 years. Anyhoo, I will try my best to learn Chinese because one day I will have to speak to my debt collectors (joke!) In addition, I would love to live in China for a period of my time and since my bro lives there it wouldn't be bad to y'know learn that language. But seriously rereading Chinese characters are straining my eyes...once I dream in Chinese than I know I have a solid grasp on the langue.

Nothing and Nowhere

It's a Tuesday night and I just finished my first day of classes for my last undergraduate year. The feeling is major senioritus and uninspiring. The classes I am taking are so far drab and methodical basically how I feel about my major sometimes. I blame it on the dive my mood has taken these past days. It seemed that the things that I thought could handle are coming to fruition and it looks like I'll have to take an alternative route than I imagined. The decisions that appear before me make me question the role of humanity and behaviors. I feel that sometimes we live in a French movie with twists and turns that seemingly great on a superficial level but beneath all of it there is hell because of desire, jealousy, or sometimes bad luck. I watched a French movie and a reporter asked the actor about the movie being a tragedy and he said yes the characters must have tragedy to become the person they were meant to be. I sometimes wonder if that is true for everybody.

Lately, there has a been a lot of negative energy that I cannot seem to shut off. I feel that it has taken an effect on me because I seem more caustic and inpatient about the traffic of regular life. Yes, things are not panning the way I wanted yet I know my attitude is unacceptable. All I can ask for this to pass is to work on something creative and then close it off. I want to pour everything into art and then leave it. Is it easier said than done...I don't know I'll have to find out.

Ch-ch-changes

Yesterday's post was a bit...much but it made me feel sooo much better. Last night I had a great time with a friend and maybe that was what I needed to kick my butt out of mopey land. I've come to a realization that this being my last semester as an undergraduate that the things I do from this forward onward are numbered. There is no time to get mad over dumb things that won't matter in 4 months. Plus it's a new year and it's never too late to start a new. That being said this is what I want to accomplish in the year 2011.

Write a song
Take more photos
Play more piano
Paint more
Write stories again
Stop being so damn mysterious
Wake up early
Eat breakfast
Master an impossibly hard yoga pose
TRAVEL, TRAVEL
Improve my Chinese
Improve my French
Improve my Vietnamese to talk to grandma more
Stop spending money (shiiiiit that's going to be a toughy)
Be more spiritual
Be free

Don't you want to be free?

It's 2011 the start of a new decade and ending of another. The days beginning the new year has been rather rough and frustrating. I feel that I had opposite emotions of what I should have for the holidays. The end of the year I felt so open and optimistic about the upcoming stages and ready to challenge myself. And now at the start of the year I feel despondent, untrustworthy, and ready to run and hide until spring hits.

What brought this on is what I can sum up as "fucking college douche bag night life." I've always been a huge observant of human behavior because it fascinates me so much but I observe too much rather than experience. I know what goes on a typical college night. The night begins with some drinks you get warm and happy then you meet a person that's cute and the whole night they try to impress you 'til time turns into 2 AM and then...the ultimate build up is wanna come over or can I have your number? Typically, this bullshit happens in the shit hole "Bullwinkles" or as the college/locals "Bulls." Even though I knew what was coming with a night at that place, and I don't expect to do anything with a guy but to just have superficial conversation and call it a night. But New Years it didn't go the way I wanted it to be because my lame friend kept sharking for him behind at times in front of me and the guy would pretend everything is all good and alright. Anyhoo, he has both of our numbers and...I never give my number out! (Lame rant, I know).

The frustration I have is that this is so typical and I thought I could just shrug it off and call the guy an a-hole and tell my friend to eat shit and die. But I have no satisfaction in that I have to internalize it until I become this black entity of negative energy that suddenly turns off when a day pass or I find a good song. I hate that I want to be free and take things as it is and not have any emotional feeling but this happened and I'm mad that I had to feel intense frustration over something that is cliche and pointless. I truly want to be free but now I don't know if you can ever be really free unless I don't know you have a lobotomy other than that emotions will always be there and you can tell your brain to turn off only so much off. I don't know is it just me being uptight and "emotional" or is this what people grapple with a lot?