Oh Happy Day!

These days I'm living in Tampa and so far it's half of the summer has past. I'm more optimistic these day on and off. But I know I'm more restless but just enjoying what I feel like are retirement days. Having no responsibilities and finding ways to make the days past. I'm feeling a little but better because I'll be leaving soon to go to Australia and what will I do? I don't fucking know!!! And I love that because I think sometimes when there are too many plans in my head it never really pans out the way I want so it's just nice to know I'm not going to fail or die if I don't figure stuff out within the next months.
All I know is I want to continue to write and take pictures. That is all. It is the thing that is going to feed my soul right now. And I'm happy. Who knows what the future will bring but right now I just don't give a fuck. I'm young and I have time.
Cheers.

Happenstance

It has been a month of being out of school and I can honestly say not much has happened to me. But I can at least say that I've expected for that to happen. I guess I can say that is a one winning part about my life, I've expected this and it happened. This may have also contributed to my lack of wanting to write about my life because it has been uneventful so far.
Today I had lunch with my friend and I asked him about a person I am no longer friends with. I just wanted to see if she was a little worse off than me, maybe to fill up that hole that I did the right thing letting her go. However, the opposite effect happened and I heard how the guy she is dating is treating her not so well. In addition, he provided more information that kind of left me speechless. It kinda actually broke my heart. All day I've thought about what happened to her and wonder if I have just given her another chance would this mess have happened? Then I thought how this was all fucked up and that if I never got the attention from this guy, they would have never met and this situation would have never happened. I know whatever happened isn't my fault but I can't help think that this fucked up happenstance occurred and made a horrible fate happened. It doesn't sit well with me because I cannot do anything about it but to just sit and hope for better. I looked to check her page but she deleted me. I don't blame her. From what I can salvage from all of this is that mistakes were made on both sides. I don't know anymore. I wish her well.

Plan to not plan but really plan

So I finished with school on last Thursday. But officially I will be done Saturday once my lovely class of communication science and disorders walk down that stage to receive that blank paper. I will be in Tampa. My parents have decided to watch their restaurant and not come and that is why I am back in town. In reality, I came back to see two very awesome concerts Interpol and Sleigh Bells. Afterwards I will take myself to N'awlins and continue the party there. I see this as 10x's better than graduation because I'll be celebrating what I love most in life music and drinking. But on Saturday I plan to go to the beach and enjoy the waves, read, write and most importantly reflect on the upcoming imprints of life.

Jaja, over the course of the past months I've made millions of small plans but none seemed to entice me enough to stick. I'm done with school. It's terrifying and what is next? I don't honestly know. I truly thought by now I would have at least a blueprint of what my next move will be but it's still fresh and unplanned. I had a dream a couple of nights ago about my deceased neighbor coming to me and telling me that it'll be okay. If this was me four months ago I would take it as a sign from the man above letting me know that I'll be fine. But fast forward to me now I don't know what to believe or trust anymore. I relied on my intuition and gut for so long but I feel that it has led me in circles and to say that this was divine intervention comforting me. I'm not sure. In addition, it's bewildering that it was my neighbor that died a year ago with a dog. What I'm trying to say, from my ramblings is that I'm slowly eroding from that wide eyed doe girl persona and that I feel a little bit more caustic about things. Despite this, what I felt from the dream was pure comfort and peace and though I don't know if that meant anything I'm going to hold onto that feeling and hope that somehow those good vibes will just produce good things for me. I hope this works.

Upcoming Blues

My brother is home from China. I haven't seen him in almost a year. It'll be interesting to drive down to Tampa to see him because our relationship has always been up and down. We for the most part are similar but not. It's hard to find balance with him but I can't help not feel family connection. No matter what I don't think I could completely cut him away from my life, there may be moments when I don't speak to him but I can't completely kick him out of my life. Funny enough, I could get rid of anybody in heartbeat. It's just in my nature I suppose. But talking to him a little bit online I see a slightly humble side of him based on some events and it's interesting because I feel kinda bad for him. Even though there have been plenty of times where I felt down and told him he seemed like he could care less on what's going on and goes back to telling me what an incomplete person I am. The relationship is not very sturdy but it works because we don't see each other often but maybe we'll come to a place when we can be like kids and not worry about adult things.

Another thing that kills me to go home this weekend is visiting my cousin. She's sick and I've never had to confront hardships like this in my family. For the most part my family are sturdy and live t'il at least late 70s and the ones that go were never prominent in my life or happened before I was born. But I'm not good at this death stuff, it's not like anybody is but I hate going to see her and have this urgency of this will probably be the last time I'll see you. I'm completely heartbroken.

My saving grace for now is just living my last months in Tallahassee and enjoying the small things. One other thing I'm doing for myself is writing a mini story. I began it when I was listening to a lovely jazz song and somehow it brought me back to my deceased grandpas and how I'll just never have those relationships and will never know the men they were. So I began to write a story and what I portrayed in my head seemed so much cooler than what's on paper. It's hard to completely pour emotions onto words. I can see these images of what I want but when it's on paper it seems just cheesy. But I'm determined to finish it and check it off from my resolutions. It seems like its been years since I wrote my resolutions in January...funny how things can change so fast.

Coolness Pending

There are some days where you feel great and you're trapped in the moment and it's so good. Then there are days when you feel like everything is suspended in air and one exhalation from you will make everything fall and shatter. That's what I feel like I'm doing now, just holding my breath into I'm forced to let go. Somehow I've convinced myself that the acclimation of my college life holds no regrets and that everything happens for a reason. But nowadays, I feel like I've lost potentially the greatest moments of my life because I didn't want to jump. I fear all of this will lead to a lifelong of regret and dissatisfaction. I want to go into everything with no regrets no matter what but these days it feels that I'm not completely happy about my past 4 years of life. I'm 22 years old instead of feeling the youthfulness and excitement of the adventures that lay ahead of me I feel that all of it is just sailing past me and before I know it I'm older and left with responsibilities. What it comes down to it is I feel like a loser. I can try to rationalize all of my mishaps by saying it's not my fault and it all comes down to another power controlling it but it doesn't appease me. I feel that it's just me and myself to blame, I take full responsibility for it. So I'll deal with it the best I can.

I'm Your (wo)Man

 

I just saw an awesome documentary about the legendary Mr. Leonard Cohen. I thought he was really cool before but now he's infinitely cooler than ever before. I didn't know much about him except what wiki fed me and that he is a poet. In contrast to Bob Dylan he seems to be the structured, unassuming, brilliant poet that blows people's mind away once he shares his truth. I've always cherished his songs not because it was a catchy tune that was fun to hum along on a Sunday afternoon but I loved how he made me pay attention to his lyrics. I could be a pretty cheap listener and start singing songs without internalizing what the singer was saying but for Leonard I admired how he coyly commands me to listen and pay attention to his words.

Throughout, the movie he is of old age and reflects back on his life and career. There's these quotes that he says that I found so simple and brilliant. Here are some quotes stolen from IMDB

-Sometimes, when you no longer see yourself as the hero of your own drama, expecting victory after victory, and you understand deeply that this is not paradise... somehow we're, especially the privileged ones that we are, we somehow embrace the notion that this veil of tears, that it's perfectable, that you're going to get it all straight. I've found that things became a lot easier when I no longer expected to win.


-It was about the feeling that we have of betraying some mission that we were mandated to fulfill, and being unable to fulfill it. And then coming to understand that the real mandate was not to fulfill it, and that the deeper courage, was to stand guiltless in the predicament in which you found yourself.

Notlanta

Sunny Day

Laundry Mat Thinking

Mountains Beyond Mountains

A new terror begins as one ends. The whole Australia thing is all up in the air now. It's willy nilly now. It turns out if I did want to do that film program it would have to be next year that I start because the calendar differs from the US. I found out yesterday and since then it feels unreal. I try to push it back in my head and enjoy the present but naturally it comes back. I know something is always up when I wake up really early to think about things. I did have a nice time sitting outside on the green because the weather was really great and everybody was out being hippies, playing ultimate frisbee or reading a book. It was perfect. Right out of a cliche college scene. I felt the youthful energy all around me and felt nice being a part of it yet sad because I feel that it's fleeing and soon I won't be as carefree as I can be. Four years is definitely enough being a college student but it's sad because I felt like I passed on the milestones that I was suppose to experience, I feel that I'm stunted and I have to be thrusted into a different world, when I don't know if I'm ready. I'm petrified. I always have an idea that I can do it and I'll be fine but now I just really want to melt. Oddly, my small comforts lie within mundane activities such as washing dishes, making food, taking showers, painting my nails. It's as if I do these small tasks that time is at a stand still and I'm getting something done as small as cleaning my utensils but as long as I'm somewhat propelling forward it'll be okay for that moment. Fuck, retirement is going to a great time for me.

I talked to my best friend vaguely about what lied ahead of us and she gave me lovely advice to not worry and that things will fall to place and that I have time to figure stuff out. I know that is probably, most likely going to happen but I can't help not feel content about that. All my life I try not to admit that I'm vulnerable and pushed on and do the best but sometimes that doesn't always work. I'm swallowing all that I know and I'm going to just say I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid. What now? 

Oh Balls!

So, I wished I've kept the confidence I had in December throughout the new year. Now that spring break is almost near, which is awesome because I'm going to New York! But it also means that graduation is creeping up. This scares the shit out of me because I'm bring a pussy. What I want to do is go to Australia and figure this film stuff out. I'm scared because I doubt my talent and whether I have the balls to make it out into the world. It scares me because I've never revealed to any of my closest friend that I want to go back to it. I don't know if it's my early quarter life crisis that is making me feel this way. I have anxiety that I'm wasting my time and money chasing a child dream. That I've never known what is hard work and have had everything handed to me. All these thoughts and anxieties are killing me and I could put it off for so long but there's a point where I'm running out of time. I hate that I'm immobilized by my fears and that my plan B is nonexistent. Lately, time is rushing so fast that I have nowhere else to run and hide. That I have to face the choices I have to make and realize that if I make a mistake that I can come back from it but it may or may not be easy. I just need to take a plunge.

Photo Funsies!

Yea, today was the day when I felt like all this film photo stuff finally came together. Besides, trying to figure out how not to make my pics pitch black I feel I'm getting a hang of this. Too bad, it's a dying art. But yea, seeing all my photos on the contact sheet was exciting because to my amateur eye I was just thinking not too shabby? In honesty, it's pictures of cliche things like trees, my feet, ducks and a smidgen of people I saw that day. It's weird but it felt so personal to me to see those pictures even though they're not voyeuristic in any way. Like when my photo instructor was looking at it I felt slightly embarrassed because it felt like I was revealing a part of me that I wouldn't naturally want out. It's scary but it's part of letting go and being more open. Even though, there seem to never be enough hours in a day I feel optimistic about being creative and getting school work done. Lately, has been really shitty, but I think and feel that things are looking up. It's a slow pace I'm going and makes me feel antsy but it's what I need, to step back and reflect and move on. It's what's good for now.

Weird JuJu feelings

This weekend has been uneventful but interesting. I didn't do anything in particular worth capturing on film or even a diary but it did bring vibes that I don't know if it's good or bad. I know I sound probably sound like the crazy aunt that comes for Thanksgiving that spouts off really incoherent advice but ends up being right. Maybe it's my expectations versus reality. What I want versus what is now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've had feelings that something eventful is going to happen and that is going to have an effect on me but I don't know if what I'm hoping to search for is the thing that is suppose to happen. If that makes sense? I feel that I'm constantly searching for what I think is going to happen but when it doesn't happen there's discontent on whether I should trust my instincts or should I say fuck all to it. I'm not sure if I'm explaining my feelings right it's just a feeling that cannot be properly explained in words or at least I'm not talented enough to convey what I want. This would be a perfect time to say that it would be easier to just be a sound and float around. Or disguise myself in works of art and discover me little by little.

Oh Lawds New Month!

Yes! Finally, a new month because truth be told January was so miserable...please don't bleed into February. I'm feeling good though because I just finished classes and I have my window up and listening to atmospheric music. It's perfect right now. My predictions for myself this month is to get my stuff together. Or simply to be more creative, I feel it in my bones to do that this month and I'm excited to see what I produce. Time is probably not my best friend but I'll probably struggling with that all my life. What I want is not to think about the future even though it's in the midst of the upcoming months but I have to confront it soon enough. I need to work on my Australia visa, there's trepidation of finishing it and doing it because there's low expectations from my family about it, which I totally understand but also a lot of money risks for my part. I hate being defined by money, the idea of being stuck and not moving forward because of money. It is the worst obstacle a person can face because everything is set in motion except you have no funds to proceed. I should just sit, do it, send it and don't turn back.

I read my horoscope for the month of February. So far, it seems pretty low key but I'll be socializing a lot. Valentine's Day seems pretty sucky for me because it told me to do some sort of house improvement project. It's okay I've never had a Valentine before so I'm sure I won't be missing anything. Yea, I don't know if I should believe in my horoscope because they said January would be a great month for me and haha it sucked. Anyhoo, I have high expectations to have a way better month by tapping into another side of creativity and spirituality. I don't know what the future holds but I have a good feeling for the next few weeks and that's what counts.

Mental Break Day

Today I skipped all my classes because lately my mind has been racing with a lot of thoughts and I had some meds so that didn't help either. But to the core of it I needed a mental break day because so many things are frustrating me and it's typical of me to run away for awhile. My frustrations are pinpointed to a series of being down on my luck. I feel that nothing is working out for me. I'm in a photo class and I'm super excited about it except my camera does not work and I don't have an option B with that. I don't get Chinese as well I would like to my pet peeve is white people getting better grades than me and guys suck lately...It's funny, cause In time I know it will be all frivolous but as of present it's the most important life and death thing for me.
I don't know why the month of January is bugging the shit out of me. Is it the weather? The countdown of my college days? The pace of my life? I don't know...It's a challenge for me right now but I know it'll pass just so impatient for it. I want a certain way and I know it's part of that control to let go but it's so damn hard.

I, luff, luff, luffed U (Not really)

So, I've totally had a crush on this boy fooooor a long time. It finally ended, it's weird how something so intense can just dissipate. It just got me thinking how the mind can manipulate your feelings into believing anything. But sadly, I see it more romantic than that. I see it as something that was suppose to happen because it will teach you something about life. What I take from this is still hidden and yet to be revealed. I guess if I thought about it that nothing lasts forever, there were weird times when I felt that if I didn't get with the person than I would just be settling for secondary guys but obviously that's not the truth. The truth is I've learned that although the feelings are so great and unbearable at times that there will be a day that it will become a passing memory that you can smile or look back nostalgically. I love the part from the movie, Adaptation, when Donald Kauffman is talking to his twin brother and they recounted a story about Donald talking to the girl and how she was sweet and nice to him and Donald was so happy despite hearing her make fun of him afterwards. He said, "I loved Sarah, Charles, it was mine, that love, I owned it. Even Sarah couldn't take it away. It was mine." Later he said, "you are what you love, not what loves you." I took it as no matter what you think and as silly and nonsensical your thoughts are that they are yours and nobody can take that away from you and I find that quite beautiful and precious.

Environment, environment, and environment

I sit here waiting for my Chinese class to start while listening to NPR. I can't help but think that it's just so effing cold. The type that just gets stuck in your pores and chills you t'il you wish the greenhouse effect take place to warm you up. I can't help think that this winter is the type people talk about that puts you in a funk. I don't know why in particular this winter because I usually really enjoy the winter because people dress better (sans the UGG boot wearers...unacceptable) and I think it's festive. Then there is the theory that you're not work productive when it's cold. I believe that because all you want to do is curl in a ball and wear your snuggie but not at like your kid's soccer game because that's just cult like and weird. But yea, I guess the winter is getting the best of me but I shouldn't fret too much because I think I'll eventually get over it I just need some beers or something to warm up.

Chinese, you fry my brain

It's my fourth Chinese class and I feel that I am not where I need to be. The shame, shame I feel with this language. Mainly because when I try to find the words I think of French instead of Chinese. What is that all about? Cause I haven't taken French in 4 years. Anyhoo, I will try my best to learn Chinese because one day I will have to speak to my debt collectors (joke!) In addition, I would love to live in China for a period of my time and since my bro lives there it wouldn't be bad to y'know learn that language. But seriously rereading Chinese characters are straining my eyes...once I dream in Chinese than I know I have a solid grasp on the langue.

Nothing and Nowhere

It's a Tuesday night and I just finished my first day of classes for my last undergraduate year. The feeling is major senioritus and uninspiring. The classes I am taking are so far drab and methodical basically how I feel about my major sometimes. I blame it on the dive my mood has taken these past days. It seemed that the things that I thought could handle are coming to fruition and it looks like I'll have to take an alternative route than I imagined. The decisions that appear before me make me question the role of humanity and behaviors. I feel that sometimes we live in a French movie with twists and turns that seemingly great on a superficial level but beneath all of it there is hell because of desire, jealousy, or sometimes bad luck. I watched a French movie and a reporter asked the actor about the movie being a tragedy and he said yes the characters must have tragedy to become the person they were meant to be. I sometimes wonder if that is true for everybody.

Lately, there has a been a lot of negative energy that I cannot seem to shut off. I feel that it has taken an effect on me because I seem more caustic and inpatient about the traffic of regular life. Yes, things are not panning the way I wanted yet I know my attitude is unacceptable. All I can ask for this to pass is to work on something creative and then close it off. I want to pour everything into art and then leave it. Is it easier said than done...I don't know I'll have to find out.

Ch-ch-changes

Yesterday's post was a bit...much but it made me feel sooo much better. Last night I had a great time with a friend and maybe that was what I needed to kick my butt out of mopey land. I've come to a realization that this being my last semester as an undergraduate that the things I do from this forward onward are numbered. There is no time to get mad over dumb things that won't matter in 4 months. Plus it's a new year and it's never too late to start a new. That being said this is what I want to accomplish in the year 2011.

Write a song
Take more photos
Play more piano
Paint more
Write stories again
Stop being so damn mysterious
Wake up early
Eat breakfast
Master an impossibly hard yoga pose
TRAVEL, TRAVEL
Improve my Chinese
Improve my French
Improve my Vietnamese to talk to grandma more
Stop spending money (shiiiiit that's going to be a toughy)
Be more spiritual
Be free

Don't you want to be free?

It's 2011 the start of a new decade and ending of another. The days beginning the new year has been rather rough and frustrating. I feel that I had opposite emotions of what I should have for the holidays. The end of the year I felt so open and optimistic about the upcoming stages and ready to challenge myself. And now at the start of the year I feel despondent, untrustworthy, and ready to run and hide until spring hits.

What brought this on is what I can sum up as "fucking college douche bag night life." I've always been a huge observant of human behavior because it fascinates me so much but I observe too much rather than experience. I know what goes on a typical college night. The night begins with some drinks you get warm and happy then you meet a person that's cute and the whole night they try to impress you 'til time turns into 2 AM and then...the ultimate build up is wanna come over or can I have your number? Typically, this bullshit happens in the shit hole "Bullwinkles" or as the college/locals "Bulls." Even though I knew what was coming with a night at that place, and I don't expect to do anything with a guy but to just have superficial conversation and call it a night. But New Years it didn't go the way I wanted it to be because my lame friend kept sharking for him behind at times in front of me and the guy would pretend everything is all good and alright. Anyhoo, he has both of our numbers and...I never give my number out! (Lame rant, I know).

The frustration I have is that this is so typical and I thought I could just shrug it off and call the guy an a-hole and tell my friend to eat shit and die. But I have no satisfaction in that I have to internalize it until I become this black entity of negative energy that suddenly turns off when a day pass or I find a good song. I hate that I want to be free and take things as it is and not have any emotional feeling but this happened and I'm mad that I had to feel intense frustration over something that is cliche and pointless. I truly want to be free but now I don't know if you can ever be really free unless I don't know you have a lobotomy other than that emotions will always be there and you can tell your brain to turn off only so much off. I don't know is it just me being uptight and "emotional" or is this what people grapple with a lot?